By Brene Brown
– The courage to be vulnerable is about showing up when you don’t know the outcome for what’s going to happen.
– Terminal uniqueness – that feeling that everyone has this thing but me. To prove that vulnerability is strength, can you think of any instance of bravery or courage that didn’t first come with massive amounts of vulnerability? She asked this to a group of SEALs. No one raised their hand.
– What does support from me look like?
– All setting boundaries means is making clear what is and is not ok and why?
– Stealth needs and expectations. What we actually expect or need or want isn’t explicitly said and so we have to unpack these things and discover what they really are. Vulnerability isn’t about making me feel better or smoothing my ego.
– Clarity is kind. Unclear is unkind. Kind isn’t the same thing as nice.
– Trying to make someone else comfortable is really about trying to make ourselves less uncomfortable and that’s not kind. It’s trying to protect ourselves, armoring up and risks muddying the waters and details and creating future problems.
– When we’re in fear, the grips of the shame gremlins or any emotion of self-protection, there’s a fairly predictable script we follow when we armor up: 1) “I am not enough.” 2) “If I’m honest with them they will be disappointed and think less of me.” 3) “No way am I going to be honest about this. No one else does this. Why do I have to put myself out there?” 4) “Yeah. Fuck that. I don’t seem them out there being honest about what scares them, plus they’ve got plenty of issues.” 5) “It’s actually their issues and short comings that are making me act this way. It’s their fault and their trying to blame me.” 6) “Now that I think about it…I’m actually better than them.” People think it’s a long walk from “I’m not enough” to “I’m better than them.” but it’s actually just standing still.
– Turn and Learn – Every body grabs a post it note or note card. Everyone ranks the projects and writes down how long they think it’s going to take to get done. On the count of 3 – everyone reveal their card. This can control for the Halo effect, whoever’s got the highest charisma in the room, they’ve got an aura that spreads out from them and influences other people to want to please/be like them. And the Bandwagon Effect of wanting to be liked and following along. It leads to much more honest feelings about project importance and deadlines.
– Stockdale Paradox – It was the optimists who didn’t survive the prison scenario. Their fantasies of freedom would kill them. They’d say things like, “We’ll be free by Easter, Christmas, Etc.” Each missed deadline, which were completely arbitrary and made up, would crush them with despair and grief. So, reality check your projections, fantasies, dreams, and imagined end date to your suffering or struggles.
– Here’s the thing about numbing – it’s all or nothing. We can’t choose. Numbing our sadness, anger, grief, shame, etc also numbs our joy, pleasure, jubilation, happiness, etc.
– Instead of getting to the edge and pulling back into the urge to numb, stop and be curious about what you’re feeling.
– “We are not here to fit in, be well balanced, or provide examples for others. we are here to be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our little clunky, chunky selves, to the great mosaic of being. As the gods intended, we are here to become more and more ourselves.“ (Jim Hollis)
– There are ties between perfectionism and people pleasing. Striving is about pleasing ourselves. Perfectionism is about making something good enough to please someone else. It reminds me of how I was raised with grades being good enough and others not being good enough and what I took that to mean about my own self worth.
– Perfectionism is a harmful belief system that subscribes to the myth that if I can be perfect and achieve these results it will free me from judgment, resentment, shame, and blame…which of course it doesn’t.
– Perfectionism sets us up to feel shame because anytime we feel shame, blame, or judgment the automatic reactions is, “I wasn’t perfect enough or If I was perfect enough I could have avoided those things.” Never do I question the notions of perfection.
– The toxicity of cynicism and sarcasm. Sarcasm comes from a greek word that means to “rip, tear, and rend the flesh” and just how visceral that really is. Also it’s low hanging fruit, infects in a contagious way, and how our brains literally don’t even know what to do with it until a certain ago and how bad it is for development. Like I saw it in Riley. Not getting it but kind of trying to get it.
– Criticism and the invisible army. The idea of the “we” that someone represents and uses to stand behind instead of voicing their own opinions. Nostalgia, using history as a way to criticize, and comparing lovers and how things are to how they used to be and how that’s some weak ass armored leadership.
– “Power is the ability to achieve purpose and affect change.” (Martin Luther King Jr)
– “Paint: ‘done’ for me” – what does it mean? What is it you actually need from me? What is it I’m actually asking for from you? Have a quick conversation about what they or I need and for what purpose. Work backward from the end.
– “The opposite of play is not work. The opposite of play is depression.” (Dr. Stuart Brown)
– It’s our desire to belong and be liked that gets in the way of our actually being liked and belonging. Again, it’s our worry that get in the way. The people pleasing and perfectionism are symptoms of this…
– “True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness.” (Brene Brown – )
– “Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.” (Brene Brown – from Daring Greatly)
– Zig zagging and avoiding fear/vulnerability/or discomfort. Things look a lot scarier when you’re on the move and looking over your shoulder at these things chasing you versus when you stop and face them. It’s like the difference between being in Pampolna with the bulls and skiing something steep.
– You can either spend some time and some energy addressing your fears and paying attention to them, or you can spend a lot of energy and a lot of time attempting to manage the behaviors you use to get away from them.
– One of the biggest sources of shame come from our unwanted identities. She uses the example of being sick or unreliable. My mind immediately jumped to body image issues and my past (not being a good lover, not attractive, being cursed at love) and being a spoiled, rich kid.
– Comparison is a shame tool and it leaves scars. Think about that and all the comparison I do between my present and my past (with love and lover) or my present and the future/my ideals (the gap). Yep.
– Comparative suffering – those times when I devalue myself and my suffering and experience is a way of not being empathetic and compassionate with ourselves. Again, comparing is a shame tool, so comparing my suffering to someone I imagine is suffering more is cruelty to me. Using comparison to minimize my own feelings isn’t kindness.
– Sympathy is typically a mask for criticism and judgment and is usually just an excuse to give advice.
– Empathy is connecting to the emotion under an experience, not the experience itself.
– Research suggests that the two triggers that most likely cause us to judge are: Where we are vulnerable to the most amount of shame in ourselves and to people who seem to be doing worse than us in those places.
– It’s a vicious shame cycle of judging someone, then feeling ashamed that we judged, and then offloading that shame by judging someone or something else.
– Sympathy is feeling for someone. “I’m so sorry for you. I feel so bad for you…” Empathy is feeling with them. “This hurts. This sucks.” So, there’s an embodying the feeling with empathy whereas with sympathy you make them an object (grammatically too).
– Empathy drives connection. Sympathy drives distance.
– People pleasing and disconnection are both shame shields, as it getting super aggressive.
– The narrowing of focus that I’ve called Tunnel Vision is also a response to shame.
– Shame survives in silence. Speaking shame, speaking to shame, calling it out and holding it in the light is our way to dispel it’s power and move past it.
– Feeling as though there is never enough time to get everything done is scarcity. It’s the opposite of being connected to the abundance grid of the universe.
– Resentment as a barometer. It is a feeling that tells me I have not set good boundaries or I crossed them, that I am not living in alignment, living outside of my values. Resent is the canary in the coal mine when I decide to stay quiet instead of speaking up for myself.
– Spacing during rough conversation. Don’t sit across from someone. This is physically putting something between you. The pro move is to sit next to someone and put the issue in front of you. Not to say, “You’re wrong.” But something needs to change. This subtle shift of sitting next to with the issue centered and you on the same team, helps.
– When on the receiving end of feedback, having a mantra to repeat like, “I am safe enough” or “This does not define me or my worth” or “I am brave enough to sit here” (that’s the one she uses…)
– The assumption that people are doing the best they can. When this is the case it means that you’re coming from a wholehearted, compassionate, heartspace. When the answer is no – that’s traces of perfectionism. And, as no is my usual answer…..yep. Me and my perfectionism.
– Believing I’m trustworthy and trusting others are two entirely different things.
– Asking for help is a power move.
– A good question to ask when I feel the urge to judge another for doing that, or in general, “What is the insecurity here I’m feeling?”
– Being generous in my interpretation of events and specifically other people’s actions and behaviors and believing they are doing their best is evidence of being connected to the abundance grid of the universe. Mistrust and thinking that people can do better…there’s a scarcity element to that.
– Better to prepare yourself for the path than to try and prepare the path for yourself. Something I struggle with as I think I can avoid feeling certain things if I’m able to control and engineer my path in a certain way.
– THIS IS THE STORY I’M MAKING UP ABOUT…
– Pro level move : recognizing when I am in the grips of an emotion, no matter what it is. That’s the first step to getting a little power back.
– We have two choices when it comes to our emotions – get curious or off-load. It’s get curious or get crazy. These are the 6 most common strategies: 1) Chandeliering – packing the hurt so far down until something totally innocent sets us off, my trigger/trauma theory. It’s a volatility that creates distrust and disengagement. It typically happens with Power Over situations. 2) Bouncing Hurt – it’s easier to be angry or pissed off than it is to be in pain. The ego uses stories as armor. Anger, shame and avoidance are the egos go to moves for this one. Humor, cynicism are avoidance moves. 3) Numbing Hurt 4) Stockpiling Hurt – pack down the pain until our bodies shut down. 5) Umbrage – Like Dolores from Harry Potter, a love of cutsie things and false positivity. we don’t trust people who don’t struggle. 6) Hurt and fear of high centering – Getting stuck in a way that makes it difficult to go forward or backward. As in, I can’t give in and feel this emotion because it’s too big and strong, but I also can’t go backward and deny it.
– This is what calm people do – They ask themselves, “Do I have enough information to freak out about such and such?” and “Will freaking out about such and such help?” They also practice tactical breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4), speak slowly, and deliberately do what they can to slow down the pace, of talking, of meetings.
– In the absence of data we will always make up stories.
– We get dopamine rewards when we complete a pattern. So, telling stories that fit the pattern, give us rewards, even if they’re not true and negative.
– Shitty First Drafts are almost always the products of our anxieties, fears, and worst case scenarios.
– Stories based on limited real data and plentiful imagined data blended into a coherent, emotionally satisfying version of reality are called conspiracy theories.
– A confabulation is a lie told honestly.
– When she fires someone she makes time to have an open door to answer any questions by other team members to dispel any conspiracy theories and confabulation.
– Explaining our choices is really dangerous. There’s an experiment where people were asked to choose between 7 different pair of socks. People cited all sorts of reasons for why they did what they did (texture, color, etc.) but they were all identical. So, this is a confabulation.
– Questions to ask myself when I’m in a Shitty First Draft or my conspiracy theories: 1) “What more do I need to understand about this situation?” 2) What do I know objectively and what assumptions am I making? 3) What more do I need to understand about the other people in the story? 4) What more do I need to learn and understand about myself? What is under my response? What part did I play?
– Example: “The story I’m making up about last night is that you were kind of frustrated? Can you help me get clear about this?”
– Conspiracy is not a product of the crazy, insane, or over-active. It’s a natural reflex of our story telling mind for meaningful experiences. Plus, the dopamine factor of fulfilling the pattern and getting it right. Plus the shame avoidance of judging and offloading…
– To the conspiratorial mind – shit never just happens.
– The three most toxic and disempowering stories we make up are the ones we make up that diminish our lovability, divinity, and creativity.
– Reality Checks on those 3 – Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us doesn’t mean we’re unlovable. No person is ordained to write the judge of our divinity or spiritual worthiness. Just because we didn’t measure up to some standard of achievement doesn’t mean that we don’t possess gifts and talents that only we can bring to the world, and just because someone failed to see the value of something we created doesn’t change its worth or ours.
– WE get to simultaneously acknowledge that something was hard while taking control of how that hard thing is going to end. We change the narrative. When we deny a story, when we pretend we don’t make up stories, our stories own us, it drives our behaviors and cognitions and then it drives even more emotions until it completely own us.
– Own the story and you get to write the ending. Deny the story and the story owns you.
– We fail the minute we allow someone else to define what success for us is.
– A joy and meaning list – A list of things/activities that bring me joy and meaning. Then, once you have this you can use it as a filter for helping to make decisions and stuff.